


You got a fast car and I got a plan to get us out of here

by coolest



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coming of Age, Depression, F/M, Heartbreak, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Road Trips, Running Away, Suicide Attempt, They smoke too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 02:58:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4505091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolest/pseuds/coolest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things haven’t been the same for quite some time. Harry doesn’t like the thought of them falling apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You got a fast car and I got a plan to get us out of here

**Author's Note:**

> Hi lovies! second time reposting this fic bc it sucks every time but i've got some weird sentimental attachment to it anyways this has been proof read by me meaning that the grammar will most probably be atrocious but who cares right? (lol)
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS!!!! PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO SELF-ARM, ANEROXIA, SUICIDE, SEX, DRUGS ETC!!! PLEASE ILY
> 
> Title creed goes to Tracy Chapman for her song 'Fast Car'
> 
> Songs in this fic are:  
> 1\. Diet Mountain Dew- Lana Del Rey  
> 2\. UNCLE ACE- Blood Orange  
> 3\. A$$- Nicki Minaj and Big Sean  
> 4\. Weight of Love- The Black Keys  
> 5\. The Truth- Foster the People  
> 6\. Hand On Your Heart- Jose Gonzalez  
> 7\. Losing You- Solange Knowles  
> 8\. Velveteenager- Rumspringer
> 
> please enjoy and comments
> 
> unkind words are not nice to keep them to yourself boo xo

00\. 

Sometimes, Harry wonders whether or not they were meant to turn out like this. It gets a little hard to breath sometimes and his bones are hollow, empty from a feeling he can’t remember anymore. It’s weird how he had thought everything would fall back into place once Louis returned. Were they even supposed to meet each other? In the all the lifetimes Harry believes he had lived in before this one, he wonders if they managed to fall in love as tragically and recklessly as they have in this one. Because he hopes not. He hopes all the Harry’s that existed before him were so happy. Maybe, in some other parallel universe, the Harry and Louis there are doing this right. And if not, he hopes they aren’t doing anything at all together. 

There are days when Harry wakes up feeling as if he’s been living for ten thousand years and his heart hurts in a way that he knows it shouldn’t be hurting at seventeen. 

“What happened to us?” 

The sky is grey and Harry feels stuck to the ground. The wind swirls around them fast and strong, blowing his hair all over the place, and there’s sand all over his jeans. The boy sitting next to him is too beautiful to ignore. Harry turns his eyes to stare at the side profile of Louis’ face and when he feels his throat start to close up, he looks back up at the sky and winces immediately. It’s easy to forget the sun exists when you can’t see it. However, like Louis, it’s everywhere.

They haven’t seen each other in over three months and a lot has changed since everything changed. Harry looks at Louis again and his eyes skim over the sharp cut of his jaw and the gentle slope of his nose. The thing is, he’s still so beautiful. All Harry wants to do is grab him by the back of his neck and kiss them till their lungs give up. But, like he said before, a lot has changed since everything changed and they’re not the people they used to be- or pretended to be. It’s hard to ignore a heart that’s bruised and battered. Harry sighs and turns his eyes back up at the sky. He tucks his bottom lip into his mouth and keeps his eyes open this time. Everything still hurts. 

The question asked is easily forgotten by Harry but not by Louis, who is impatient and jittery. He presses his finger into the spot where Harry’s dimple would appear if he were smiling and rolls over so that he’s lying onto of him, head right above Harry’s. He wraps his hand around Harry’s bony wrist and smiles. Harry has to bite his bottom lip to stop from hissing at the burn that comes from Louis holding his wrist. “Answer me.” he demands softly. 

“I don’t know.” Harry replies truthfully. He closes his eyes when Louis lets go out his wrist and rolls off of him so that he’s lying beside Harry, on his stomach, with his shoulder pressed right up against Harry’s. Personal space is a concept Louis’ never understood and if Harry hadn’t of missed him so fucking much in the last couple of months he’s been gone, he’d tell him to fuck off. But he needs this, he needs this so much. When he breathes out, Louis breathes in. He can feel Louis’ eyes burning holes into the side of his face and Harry’s heart is beating too fast right now. At the sound of the waves crashing against the boulders, his eyes shoot up. He doesn’t like that sound as much as he used to. It reminds him of thunderstorms and of millions of people clapping together too loudly in one room. 

He lets out a big exhalation of air that he hadn’t known he had been keeping in and lolls his head to the side. It’s that time of the day when the tide is at it’s highest and the ocean becomes just as violent as the sky looks. Next to him Louis is playing with sand, gathering it all up in his hands just to let it slip through his fingers. Harry cranes his neck up and finds that Louis’ already looks at him. There’s a slight tilt at the corners of his wet lips and his eyes are as clear as Harry remembers them being. 

Louis’ eyes are pale arctic grey-like clouds gather before a storm or like polished gunmetal. Harry feels his mouth go dry and he’s got to swallow down all the things he wants to say- all the question’s he’s dying to ask. The thing is, he doesn’t know how to talk to Louis at all anymore. 

“Really?” Louis licks his lips and sighs. “You really don’t know?” 

Harry doesn’t look away from him, even though Louis isn’t looking at him. He opens his mouth to reassure Louis that he actually doesn’t know before remembering that he doesn’t have to anymore. Louis’ little smile turns into one that looks too big on his narrow face. He shakes his head. “It’s okay,” he says. “I understand. It’s my fault really.” 

And he’s right, it’s all his fault. Everything that’s happened is all his fault. Harry’s so fucking sad and it’s all because of Louis, all because he hadn’t said anything. If he had just told Harry something, anything, than maybe things would be different- better. But he said nothing and Harry wants to yell at him, scream until his throat feels raw. He’s still so in love with him it hurts. The last three months have been tiring and slow. Harry’s learnt a lot about growing up and all those ‘obstacles’ adults like talk about that come with growing up. He learnt that falling in love and realising that sometimes it’s not enough is an obstacle, as well as dealing with the unbearable pain that comes with all this falling in love and realising. He learnt that pain is a feeling that’s inevitable and that no matter how much you cry or scream, it wouldn’t hurt any less. 

But, Louis’ here with him now and he’s still full of honesty and love. There’s more sadness and more vulnerability than he used to show before he left, but Harry’s somewhat okay with that- still loves him wholeheartedly despite all of that. They’re future might not be as bright as it had been once upon a time but the love is still there, still evident and overwhelming. Harry knows that their time together is done and as much as he doesn’t want it all to end, he can’t do anything about it. Fate does what fate wants and pain is a feeling that can’t be run away from. 

To have Louis next to him, breathing and alive is all Harry needs right now. He might not be happy but he’s okay, which is even better because being happy comes with the risk of crashing and falling. Harry doesn’t want to see Louis crash and fall again. His scars are fading and his bones aren’t as visible as they had been before. Harry swears Louis’ the strongest person he’s ever had the pleasure of loving. It’s such a shame that it isn’t enough. 

When Louis leans towards him, the only adjective Harry can use to describe how he feels is soft. It’s weird, he knows, but that’s the only word that comes into his mind. “Do you think we’ll ever be alright?” 

Harry breathes out at the same time Louis presses his lips against the hot skin on Harry’s neck. “I don’t know.” His heart’s beating frantically in his chest. “I sure hope so,” he says, “i’d love for us to be okay one day.” 

Things get quiet for a long time and Harry just assumes that maybe Louis’ fallen asleep to the sound of the waves beginning to calm down. But then he says “me too” and from the way his body jumps when he says those words mean that it caught him off guard too. “I’d like that as well.” 

Any stranger would look at them and think that this gigantic fucking mess they’ve made out of each other is beautiful, or something. It isn’t. Harry’s black and blue because of it all. He feels like he’s been lit on fire. 

The frantic beating of his heart is slowed down by Louis, who slides his hand across Harry’s chest and places it over his hand on his lower stomach. Harry’s breath hitches at the sudden contact and Louis squeezes his hand, as if to say ‘it’s okay.’ There’s a sense of comfort hanging in the air they’re breathing in, something that hadn’t been there until now. Harry almost forgets about that they’ve changed, that Louis’ just come out of a hospital and rehab because he lost his mind. And if harry could do something about the falling apart of his ex-boyfriend then he would, but he doesn’t know where to start or how to start. It’s the world for goodness sake, his world. How the fuck is he meant to pick up the pieces of something that was once so big?

Louis pecks him on the neck again and uses his thumb to brush over the small goose bumps that have formed there as a result of him. He presses another kiss on Harry’s jawline and laughs when Harry whines quietly. 

“Sometime missed me.” Louis teases. He lifts his head up to look at Harry and has to purse his lips so that he can hold off the smile threatening to show. Harry grins and tucks one hand underneath the back of his head while the other hand draws circle on the visible skin of his lower stomach where his top has lifted. The little bit of sunlight seeping in through the thick grey clouds illuminates around Louis’ head like a halo. 

“I did.” Harry’s eyes flicker down to Louis’ lips. “I do.” he murmurs quietly, swiping his tongue over his own chapped lips before bringing his eyes back up to lock eyes with Louis’. “I miss you all the time.” 

This is the time to be brave, he thinks. The ocean roars louder than it has since they got here and the abruptness of the sound knocks the two of them out of the little moment they were sharing. Louis looks at Harry like he’s the most interesting person he’s ever met. He blinks his eyes twice and turns his attention to the water. “I love the ocean.” Louis tells him. His voice is soft but with the beach so empty he sounds so loud and clear. “It’s beautiful.” 

Harry interlocks their hands together when he remembers that this moment right now is the time to be brave. He squeezes Louis’ hand softly and watches him smile, eyes transfixed on the push and pull of the waves. “I know.” the sentence ‘but you’re just as beautiful,’ goes unsaid. The laugh that escapes Louis’ mouth comes straight from his belly, and his entire body moves with each burst he lets out. Harry’s not sure what he’s laughing at- whether it’s from disbelief or something more than that. Whatever it is, Harry’s glad he’s laughing because he hasn’t heard him laugh since he left and he’s sure Louis’ never laughed so honestly in a while, so he doesn’t stop him. 

Summer never ever needs to come back because he’s got his own dose of happiness right beside him, even if they’re not each others anymore. 

Louis removes his hand from Harry’s and stands up slowly. He removes the raincoat he’s wearing and watches Harry watch him. “They never let me come here,” He tells Harry as he pops the buttons of his jeans with shaky fingers and pushes the jeans down to the floor before standing up straight and letting his hands hang at his sides. “They told me i’d try to run into the ocean and fucking kill myself.” Harry props himself up on his elbows and forces himself to squint through the hazy light in order to get a good look of Louis, who’s standing in front of Harry in only his underwear. It’s hard not to stare at the scars on his body or his protruding hipbones. 

“The thing is that i would’ve.” Louis deadpans, “being alive is fucking hard.” 

Harry’s never been good with confrontations. He loves Louis with all his heart though and this hurts- this hurts so fucking badly. He’s spent three months waiting for Louis to return, to come home, to come back to him. He planned all these questions he’d ask him and it’s so fucking infuriating how all those questions have just vanished from his head right now. There’s so much Harry wants to ask him but it’s like someone’s punched him in the gut repeatedly for two days straight, and it’s so painful. He can’t find the words to speak. He doesn’t even know where to begin. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Louis’ eyes look as cold as the water behind him. “What the fuck? Why? I mean-“ Harry pauses and forces himself not to cry- he won’t do that in front of Louis, not anymore. He’s cried too much. “I, fuck, i love you so much. You know that right? And i was selfish enough to think that it would be enough, like fuck.” Louis steps a step forward. “No. Stay there. This hurts Lou. My entire body hurts.” 

“Harry, please don’t do this.” 

All Harry wants is answers. All he wants is to stop being angry and sad. Then he wants to kiss Louis and press their naked chests together while Louis rakes his fingers through Harry’s hair. He wants to trace the goose bumps forming on Louis’ skin with his tongue and whisper praises into his mouth. His hands are shaking. Harry realises this when he sits up and looks down at them. They’ve ruined each other for anyone else and it’d be sort of beautiful if that meant they’d stay together for eternity but that’s not the case with them. They’re just fucking teenagers- they don’t deserve this. 

“You started ‘this’!” Harry screams, “you left! All i’ve ever wanted since you fucking up and left is answers. I’ve spent two years loving you and if anything, you owe me a fucking explanation. We’re not fifty years old, this shouldn’t be happened to us! Why did you leave me?” 

Louis clenches his jaw. “I don’t want to do this now.” he says stubbornly, “I just want the ocean.” 

“When the hell are we going to talk about everything that’s happened- that’s happening? The ocean can wait Louis, but i can’t.” 

The truth behind what Harry’s just said must hit Louis right where Harry wanted it to because his eyes widen and his body jerks back. Harry takes notice of how his hands are shaking too. There’s a crazy look in his eyes that makes Harry’s blood run cold. When he starts to walk back slowly with his  
Louis jerks at the obvious truth that Harry shouts and Harry looks down at his hands to see that they’re shaking as well. He wonders what for. Maybe he’s just cold. He looks down at his bare feet before looking back up at Harry. There’s a spark in his vivid eyes that makes Harry’s blood run cold immediately and he starts to walk backwards slowly, hands clasped behind his back. A smile spreads across his face but it’s too forced and too big. He still looks ethereal though, underneath all the hazy sunlight and grey sky. His pretty lover is still such a pleasure to admire even if all there is left of him is skin and bones and scars and mistakes and attempts and everlasting hope hidden underneath all the fear. 

Harry knows he should stand up and stop him but the ocean is home and Louis’ been away from home for three months now. 

“When it starts to hurt less!” Louis exclaims from where he is. He has walked back too far now and his silhouette is blurry. 

“Is it ever going to hurt less?” Harry exclaims back and Louis shrugs laughs delightedly as he shrugs his shoulders. His toes are in the water and Harry closes his eyes when Louis starts running into the water. 

When Harry turned seventeen nine months ago, Gemma had laughed and pulled at a strand of his hair before saying; “I can’t wait to hear the stories that you’ll tell about your seventh year of living. This will be the strangest year of your entire life.” Harry didn’t know that she was serious. 

He opens his eyes quickly at the sound of Louis laughing and see’s that the boy has already run so deep into the water that it’s up to his waist. His back is to him and both his arms are raised above his head. 

“Louis!” Harry shouts, leaning forward on his arms. “What are you doing?” 

Louis jumps at his name but looks over his shoulder. He grins and even more here Harry can make out the little creases by his eyes and mouth. “You tell me!” 

Harry closes his eyes again, takes another deep breath and waits for it to start hurting less. 

Minutes pass by. Harry wishes that his body were still glued to the sand. When he opens his eyes again, Louis is not where he was before, but deeper now, and ahead of him is a large wave that’s coming his way. Harry waits for him to move but he knows he won’t. 

The wave gets bigger as it gets closer and Louis stays where he is, with his back towards Harry and his arms floating beside him. His pretty lover is a boy with a lot of strengths as well as a lot of weakness and in both those categories falls bravery. Harry is in love with the bravest human being in the entire world and he isn’t sure whether that should scare him or make him proud

Louis dives into the wave when it comes and Harry’s heart stops. A lot of things could go wrong. A lot of things have gone wrong already. Harry can’t loose Louis to the ocean. Harry can’t loose Louis again, even if it is as inevitable as the pain that’s settled itself in his bones. 

He waits though, waits for Louis to resurface and tries to suppress the panic building in the pit of his stomach when an entire minute goes by. 

Losing an entire world in the ocean would be a story worth telling, wouldn’t it? 

Harry’s not aware his running down to the water until he’s in it. His clothes are heavy on his body but the world is lost somewhere in the ocean so he forgets about the things weighing him down and swims against the rough waters. He forces his eyes open in the water and sees nothing but seaweed and the endless nothingness that is the ocean. When he resurfaces, panting deeply and searching for oxygen to fill his lungs, he feels a tug at the sweater on his body and drops his head back into the water. 

Louis pulls him back up by the hem of his sweater and all Harry can do is pull him closer. He wraps his arms around Louis’ waist and pants into the boys shoulder as Louis laughs into his ear- loud and unafraid- and Harry thinks that Louis’ laugh could be the soundtrack to the end of the world. 

There’s water dripping down his face and his eyes aren’t at grey as they were before. They’re blue- bluer than all the blues in the world- and Harry’s not reminded of raging storms but more of sunny days or careless ways or too many happy days spent underneath the sun. 

Harry’s so grateful for Louis. He’s so beautiful. 

“Calm down!” Louis cries, grinning. Harry leans forward to kiss the crinkles by his nose and Louis giggles. His hands come up to hold Harry’s face and he wraps his legs around Harry’s waist as they bob together in the water. “I’m right here,” he tells him. “I’m always right here.” 

He’s not, is the problem, and that’s why Harry needs this. Harry needs Louis and he’s felt so lonely without him. They hug again and Louis’ hand wrap around his neck. 

“You’re so cold.” Harry tells him, voice shaky. Louis laughs into the crook of his neck. 

“You’re so warm,” Louis murmurs, “but not warm enough for this.” 

Harry pulls them out of the water and runs up the sand to where they sat before the urge to visit home became too much. As Louis collects his clothes off from the floor, Harry watches him and presses his toes deeper in the slightly warm sand beneath his feet. 

Louis looks up and smiles. His lips are chattering and his lips have turned blue from the cold. “Imagine if the sand swallowed us whole?” 

“I’d be the one to pull us back up. You’d be way too busy crying, or something.” The smile that adorns his face is stiff and when he laughs, Harry feels the coldest parts of his shaking body fill up with warmth. 

He snorts are Louis’ statement but says nothing to defend himself. As Louis gets dressed, Harry hums quietly to the tune of a song he remembers listening to when he was thirteen and convinced that he was most probably the saddest boy on earth. When Louis hands him his phone, Harry thanks him quietly. Whatever petty emotions Harry had drowned in at thirteen were nothing compared to all the suffocating emotions he’s drawing in now. 

Louis gives Harry his boots- the brown leather ones he got him for christmas two years ago- and asks; “what happened to us?”as he swings his backpack over his bony shoulders. 

The way they look each other is electrifying and addictive. It’s hard to love somebody so fearless. There’s no one but them on this beach and the ocean’s never been as ruthless as it is now. The sky is sad and Harry can’t find the guts to tell him the truth- doesn’t even what the truth is. All he’s sure of is how much this hurts. 

People change. Harry wants to remind Louis that nothing stays the same forever- that when you love someone they’re never the same person you left behind. He wants to say that Louis’ changed and so as he. He wants to tell the world about the stupid amounts of raw love he has bubbling in his stomach, for Louis. He wants to remind Louis that he loves him with every single organ in his entire body, but life sucks and love isn’t enough in situations like theirs. 

“I don’t know,” he breathes out inside. Louis must know he’s lying because he stays silent for the rest of the car-ride to his home. As they pull up to his front door, the sigh that Louis heaves out is loud enough to shake the entire car and Harry finds himself trying to hold back a smile at his over exaggeration. 

Harry doesn’t look at him, but through the rear-view mirror he catches glimpses of Louis next to him with his head tilted back against the seat and his entire neck exposed.

All is silent for a while before that silence is broken by Louis saying, “I need you to run away with me.” His eyes are still closed and the tone of his voice is confident, as if he’d already known that Harry would say yes. Harry would follow him across the fucking Sahara Desert if he asked. Jesus-fucking-Christ. Loving Louis is like going off to war. It’s like standing in the middle of a fire and not wanting to get out despite how much it eats away at your flesh. The flames had looked beautiful from afar. This war is one Harry will never find his way back home from. He can’t believe it’s not enough. 

He lights a cigarette using his shaky hands and ragged breath to breath in and breath out. Louis’ gaze is piercing holes through the side of Harry’s face. He rolls down the window and flicks off the ash at the end of his cigarette out the window before bringing it back to his parted lips to exhale deeply. 

As he exhales, Louis leans towards him and presses the tip of his nose against Harry’s cheek. He closes his eyes and Harry shivers at the feel of Louis’ thick eyelashes brushing against his cheekbones. “Run away with me.” he repeats, voice softer now and laced with a very subtle undertone of desperation. “Please.”

All they do is take, take, take and give, give, give and there’s barely anything left of Harry anymore. He doesn’t want this to kill him. He wants to live. He wants to live this glorious, beautiful, going-to-make-it-one-day life he’s been given the pleasure of living. Harry takes a drag of his burning cigarette and turns to look at Louis with sharp green eyes. “No.” he mutters, shaking his head. “I don’t want to.”

Louis continues to stare at him and doesn't flinch at the bluntness of Harry’s answer. He just chuckles and flickers his eyes down to the muddy CATS on his feet. Harry watches as he pulls out a packet of squished cigarettes from the pockets of the baby blue raincoat he’s wearing and when he reaches over to snatch the lighter lying in Harry’s lap, Harry stiffens. 

Louis lights the cigarette and drags his eyes up Harry’s cold body until he’s looking straight into his eyes. There’s a curl at the corners of his lips that sets every corner of Harry’s body alight with memories and want. Louis inhales and throws the lighter back onto where it had been before, on Harry’s lap. He pulls the cigarette away from his wet lips and exhales slowly, eyes crinkling as the coy smile on his face grows bigger with every passing moment that goes by with them just staring at each other in complete and utter awe. 

I’d give you the sun. Harry thinks. And the moon. Maybe even the entire fucking universe. I can’t believe i’ve given you all of me and i can’t believe i’d give you more of me if you asked. 

Louis breathes in the toxic fumes from the cigarette he’s smoking and colours the insides of his lungs black. His gaze flickers down to the orange light emitting from the end of the cigarette burning in between his nimble fingers. He breathes out and chews on the skin in the insides of his cheek. When he takes a breath of fresh air, it’s as if he’s been awake for trillions of years and he’s only now remembering the overpowering energy he’d had one, as a young, naive little boy with no clue of how tough the world would become as he grew up. 

“I love you.” Harry’s eyes are wild and green. Louis’ brave and in love and so tired. “Run away with me Hazza. Let’s get out of here for a while,” he says leaning into Harry’s gentle touch when his hand comes up to cup his cheek, “try make something better of ourselves, y’know? Anything. I just want to be with you.”  
I love you. “Yeah,” pause. I love you so much. “Okay.” 

Louis grins immediately and an electric shock courses through Harry’s blood. The road is lit up with pale lilac light and the rain starts to fall slowly, in little amounts, like it’s hesitant or not in a hurry to show it’s abilities and strengths. Harry’s war flashbacks will be of Louis and him and how they had once co-existed so beautifully with one another- how fucking invincible they had thought they were. 

How do you tell someone you still love them, even after all the damage caused as a result of that love? They’ve torn down the walls of an entire kingdom, one they had built together using memories and pure, raw, love. Louis presses a chaste kiss to Harry’s cheek and let’s his lips linger against his skin for a little whole before getting out of the car. The door slams against the car so roughly Harry’s body jolts forward. He wants to say something but his mouth feels dry and overused. It’s hard, all of this is so hard. Getting shot in the head would probably hurt less than the emptiness his heart is drowning in. 

On the seventeenth year of his life, Harry learns that he barely knows anything about life because seventeen is nothing compared to being eighty-years old. He also learns that love does intact hurt a lot, no matter how old you are. 

Louis leans his elbows against the window sill and cranes his neck through the window. Does Louis feel everything Harry feels, still? This pain is the type of pain that comes with the ending of something that still oozes beauty despite all the rough edges and ageing parts. They aren’t who they used to be, and maybe who they used to be weren’t even the people they actually are, however the love is still there- still evident. 

“Come back at midnight.” 

“Hmm, whatever.” 

Harry starts the car and the engine roars along with the sound of Louis’ laughter. He tumbles away from the car when it jerks forward and crosses his arms over his chest as Harry switches on the radio. There’s a smile on his face that Harry finds himself returning easily. His eyes never leave Louis’ as he backs out of the drive away. He tears his eyes off Louis when he begins to drive down the road and further away from Louis. As he nears the end of the road, he looks back one last time and see’s that Louis is standing in the middle of the road now with a newly lit cigarette in his fingers. 

Harry slows down and looks around for his lighter before coming to the realisation that it’s been taken. He’s not surprised at all and when he looks back again, Louis’ still there despite how hard the rain has begun to fall. He’s drenched in rain and the coat he’s wearing looks too big on him, but he’s beautiful, still, even if all he is now is a shadow, the remains of a boy who existed so loudly and so openly it almost killed him. 

All Louis looks like now is a hazy memory that Harry will relive at midnight.

 

*

Harry gets home and sags his body into his mothers embrace when she holds him close to her. She kisses his forehead and offers him a cup of hot chocolate. Harry quickly runs upstairs to change into warmer pyjama’s and when he comes back down, he jumps onto the couch and buries himself under the four heavy blanket Gemma’s using to herself warm. 

“How’s Lou?” 

Harry shrugs his shoulders and runs numb fingers through his drying curls. “shit could’ve been worse.” 

“That doesn’t mean that this shit is any less important that other’s.” Gemma tells him. She kisses the shoulder she had been laying her head on and sighs. “This is important. You are important. Heartbreak hurts but it’ll end.” 

Will it? The thing is, Louis’ beautiful. His heart is so open, so reckless and honest. It beats too loudly and loves too much, and Harry can guarantee that if Louis’ brain wasn’t such a tornado of overwhelming thoughts, Gemma would love him too- the same way Harry loves him. 

But, she isn’t brave. Not like Harry. 

He excuses himself later that night. “I want to lay in bed.”

Once he’s gone, Anne turns to Gemma and says “I think he’s going to leave.” 

Gemma doesn’t reply, she doesn’t even turn her head to look at her mum. She knows Harry’s going to leave, either tonight or tomorrow. Her mum’s told her stories about her life as a teenager, about how she fell in love with a dangerously beautiful boy whose eyes were brighter than anything she’d ever seen in her life. 

“That’s the problem with falling in love when you’re young,” Anne murmurs softly into the still, dark air. “All you want to do is give and give all you’ve got to this one person just so they can be happy, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness.”

They speak nothing of it afterwards and Anne thinks that if Harry were to go anywhere, she wouldn’t have the heart to be angry- upset, maybe- but she knows how hard the past three months have been for both of them and she understands what she can. 

Later that night when Anne’s saying goodnight to him, she tells him that she loves him so much. Harry smiles and diverts his eyes away from the old copy of ‘Death Of A Lady’s Man’ by Leonard Cohen in his hands. 

It’s eleven pm. Harry buries his face into the crook of her neck when she hugs him and says, “I love you too.” 

“You’re going to be alright love,” she says, “be safe, please.” 

 

*

Harry leaves at Midnight. His note on the fridge reads: 

‘Dear Mummy and Gem  
I don’t know what love is but I think what I’m feeling has got to be pretty close. The entire world is falling apart mummy, and so am I. I’m going to go for a little bit and try to sweep up this mess, make it less chaotic and painful to deal with, okay? Have you ever wanted someone so much, all the time? Because that’s how i feel with Lou. I want him mummy. I want him so much, all the time, but it hurts a lot now because we aren’t who we used to be and that sucks. I’ve already told you about the little i know about love and life, but i’m going to tell you again. I don’t know what love is meant to feel like but i think this is it, and i also think that this is my last chance and attempting to prove fate wrong. 

I don’t know where to start though. I don’t have the same strength you do but i do know that Lou and I weren’t made to love each other forever, which hurts more than they portrayed it in movies. I need him. How pathetic? But he needs me and if that’s all we have then i’ll take what i can get.This time is all i’ve got left with him- the beginning of the end. 

Mummy, why did you never tell me growing up would hurt so bad? Why didn’t you warn me about pretty boys with wrecked hearts who’d wreck mine?

I don’t want to be looked for. Please. I promise to come back. I just us to end on a good note, a happy one. 

Love always,  
Harry Styles  
(I’m so sorry)

 

*

Louis comes barrelling into his car at twelve fifteen in the morning. 

The door shuts too violently for how old the car is. Louis rubs his hands together frantically, in search for some heat, and it’s hard to ignore how much he’s shaking.

Harry watches Louis in silence. He opens his mouth only to close it soon after. He doesn’t know where to start. He doesn’t even know what this is. 

“Well,” Louis starts, “your car is still shit, at least that hasn’t changed.” 

Okay then, Harry thinks, they can start there. The laugh that tumbles from his mouth comes to a surprise to him. His breath fogs up the windows and he watches as Louis’ fingers twitch in his lap. “Yeah,” he mumbles. “And, like, you can totally go for it Lou. Draw penises all over my window, i know you want to.”

Louis smiles, eyes flickering to meet his gaze. It’s bright and beautiful, and Harry would love to kiss him forever. He quickly turns his attention to the window next to him, fogged up from the cold, and begins drawing stick figures. 

“Where are we going?” 

All of England is covered in ice. Louis lights a cigarette and says, “anywhere you want to go.” He breathes in deeply and breathes out through his nose, body relaxing further against the seat. “I’m the one who left,” he mumbles, “it’s your turn.” 

Harry’s grip tightens on the steering wheel and he dares himself to not look away from the road. “I never got to leave with you.” 

Louis laughs. When they lock gazes through the rear-view mirror, his eyes are crystal clear- vivid even in this darkness. “Aren’t I lucky.” He takes another sharp drag. “I don’t want to miss you again. Stop talking and drive.” 

One day, they’ll be okay- with or without each other. For now, Harry’s willing to live through this pain if it means being able to look at Louis living, and breathing, beside him and not in a photo.  
Christ, it’s been so long. Louis offers him his cigarette. “I’ve missed you too.” Harry takes a deep drag and when he feels himself start to grow light headed, he exhales. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Louis sucks at what’s left of the cigarette and breathes out when Harry breathes in. “Are you okay?” 

No! Harry wants to scream. I’m going to love you until the sun gives up on us and that single fact isn’t enough to keep us together! I’m not sure how to live without you. I barely survived these past couple of months. I don’t know what i’ll do without you, I-

Harry starts the car. He hadn’t even realised that he’d stopped driving. They’re in the middle of nowhere and all he wants to do is get as far away from home as possible.

When he tells Louis that he’s okay, he isn’t sure whether he’s trying to reassure himself or Louis. Either way, both of them say nothing after that. 

 

*

Brighton isn’t big. They’re out quicker than expected. If Harry knew where they were going, he’d be less nervous than he is. 

‘Riot Van’ by The Arctic Monkeys is playing on the radio and Louis’ next to him with his knee’s tucked underneath his chin. It’s so cold in this car but Harry’s burning up. He feels as if he’s on fire. 

(We didn’t do that much wrong / still ran away though for the laugh/ just for the laugh / Please just stop talking/ cause’ they won’t find us if you do / Oh those silly boys in blue / well they won’t catch me and you)

 

*

“I need to pee.” Louis huffs. “Can we stop? Let’s take a bathroom break. I feel like we’ve been driving for years!” 

Harry laughs. “It’s only been thirty minutes?” 

Louis hasn’t stopped moving since they stopped talking. He laughs, face pressed up against the cold window, and punches Harry on his shoulder. When Harry hisses in him, Louis laughs even harder. “Still.” 

Despite not wanting to, Harry turns into the nearest corner shop and rolls his eyes at the fist pump Louis does. Is it weird that everything feels the same, but not? 

They get out and stand in front of each other at the front of the car. Louis’ got this little smirk on his face and Harry’s teeth are latched onto his bottom lip. Together they’re creating this suffocating electricity that would burn anybody but them. Louis takes a hesitant step closer before surging forward and pressing their lips together. Harry’s hands hold his waist like he’d been expecting this to happen. He hadn’t. But Louis’ kissing him like it’s all he’s wanted since the beginning of time.

His lips are cold, but Harry supposes his are too. The grip Louis’ got on his biceps will leave bruises that’ll be there longer than Louis will. 

They kiss for what seems like a long time, and laugh against each others mouths when they pull away to breath. All of this is so familiar that Harry feels sort of fucking ridiculous. They’re not together anymore. It isn’t enough. They’re not LouisandHarry anymore. They’re just two stupid teenagers searching for something that’s not there anymore. 

“I actually did need to pee.” Louis rests his forehead against the bone of Harry’s shoulder. “I’m quiet desperate actually.” he adds before dissolving into a fit of giggles. 

“Go baby,” the words feel heavy on Harry’s tongue, “you’ll meet me outside, okay? I’m going to get some food.” 

Louis wriggles out of Harry’s embrace and starts walking back. His smile is too wide and so much brighter than when they had been at the beach. The glow in his eyes make Harry’s heart feels as hollow as his bones. Louis looks at him as if they’re destined to be together forever when all they are is another tragic love story, a ‘we were once so powerful, so great, so fucking beautiful.’ type of story, a ‘i love you but i don’t know what happened to us.’ type of story. 

The shop is cold and empty. Harry picks up a broken basket by the doors and smiles at the woman behind the till. She doesn’t return it. Unfazed, Harry strolls through each aisle aimlessly and sings along to the song playing through the speakers. 

“And i could never take good care of you, because we had so much to lose. And we should never say that we drifted far, yeah we should take a trip to the reservoir.” 

The shrill sound of somebody letting out a howl of laughter shuts Harry up the second he hears it. The people who’ve just came barging in are kids that Harry recognises from some of his classes and he quickly reaches for a box of cereal to hide his face from them. 

Just as they’re about to leave, Louis snatches the box of cereal away from Harry’s face and asks- rather loudly, of course- what on earth he’s doing. It’s hard to ignore Louis once he’s said something, so it’s not surprising when the group turn around by the counter to look at them. Harry groans as Louis laughs. His mouth is red and his laughter lines are visible, faint now, but still visible enough. 

“I’m sorry!” he apologises, though it’s half-hearted. “They had been staring at me after i’d come out the bathroom and i couldn’t not greet them, y’know?”

Harry swipes his tongue over his chapped lips and attempts at trying to look at everything but Louis. “You’re back.” he says as Louis throws a packet of wine gums into the basket. “You left so suddenly that everyone had been talking about your whereabouts.” They walk till the end of an aisle and turn into a different. When Harry looks up at Louis, he’s looking at him already with smouldering blue eyes that seem even brighter under these shitty lights. “Still do.”

“Was it weird without me?”

It still hurts and like Louis said, they’ll talk about it when it starts to hurt less. Harry’s silence is enough of an answer and he’s thankful that Louis doesn’t pester him for an answer they both know the answer to. 

The kids from Harry’s year are still watching them, whispering to each other with hands cupped over their mouths as if they’ll hear them. Their faces are familiar and from the way they’re look at him, they’ve seen him around too. 

When Louis left, people were quick to pity Harry. Hell, even he felt sorry for himself some days. It must’ve been weird for people to not see them together all the time. It was always just been them and when Louis just disappeared one day, there was a ripple affect throughout the entire school. His absence couldn’t go unnoticed. Louis Tomlinson becomes a permanent fixture in peoples lives without them even realising it. His existence affects everyone he mets. He lives his life as loudly as possible, making sure to leave his mark on everyone and everything. 

Harry looks away from them and his eyes land on Louis, who’s now a lot closer than he’d been before. They gravitate towards each other so easily that it’s almost scary and when they kiss, Harry cups Louis’ cheek with the hand that isn’t holding the basket. 

“There’s nothing in the basket.” Louis whispers against his mouth, eyes still closed. Harry interlocks their fingers together and opens his own eyes to witness the timid smile on Louis’ face. “D’you not know how to multi-task?”

“That’s a bit of a rude accusations seeing that you know it’s correct.” Harry scoffs, shoving Louis into a stack of crisps without any warning. The action was done out of impulse and at the abruptness of it, Louis shouts. His shout is quickly followed by an unrestrained burst of incredibly loud laughter that has him clutching at the top he’s wearing.

The minute Louis opens his mouth to insult him, most probably, Harry presses him against the packets of crisps and kisses him hard. Everything about the two of them is blinding. 

“I was waiting for you.” Harry tells him between kisses and gasps of air. The sentence ‘I’m always waiting for you’ gets stuck in the middle of his throat and he’s got to swallow the words back down. 

Louis looks a little dazed when he pulls back and his lips are slick and red. “Oh,” he rasps out. Harry wants to kiss him again. “I’m here now, if you still want me.” 

‘Dance (A$$)’ by Big Sean and Nicki Minaj roars throughout the entire store. It takes a second to pass before Louis’ squealing, convulsing his body roughly until Harry can’t hold him up any longer. 

The grin on his face could potentially tear his entire face in half and when he slides down the aisle, arms raised above his head, Harry’s heart drops. “Louis!” he yells, running after him. 

Louis whips his head back and waves his arms above his head. “Harry!” he yells back. “ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS!”

“Fuck Louis, shut up!” 

“ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS,ASS, ASS NOW MAKE THAT MOTHER FUCKING HAMMAR TIME LIKE!” 

Harry picks up three bottles of vodka and throws them into the basket. He runs down and presses his hand over Louis’ mouth. “People are staring Lou.” he says thickly, forcing Louis to look at him only. “Stop.” 

But, since Louis is who he is, he doesn’t take the threat to heart because he doesn’t care what people think of him. He never has. He takes Harry’s hand and digs his long nails into the sensitive skin on his wrist. When he feels Harry’s grip falter, he spins away from him. “If people want to stare let them. I’m fucking beautiful! Second coming of Christ type of spectacular is what I am!” he exclaims, “they should stare, to be honest. I’m not forcing them, am I? It’s their choice whether to look away or not.” 

There’s chance of any type of response from either of them because Louis’ already gone, spinning around and shaking his arse for everyone to stop and watch. He sways his hips and looks back at Harry with glistening blue eyes as he shouts the lyrics to the song. He comes back and skims his fingers across Harry’s neck, burning him with the tips of his fingers. 

Underneath these fluorescent lights, Louis looks like an angel, and in the end Harry finds himself dancing with him. They go from aisle to aisle, ignoring the cashier’s desperate pleas from them to keep quiet, and throwing in whatever looks nice in the basket to pay with the money they both took from their savings. 

Neither of them are shocked when the cashier scurries towards them, tripping over her untied laces. “Pay!” she shrieks, flustered. “And get out!” Louis chortles at her and presses his back against Harry’s chest even more. 

Her cheeks redden in anger and Harry quickly pays for everything they’ve bought while apologising profusely for the chaos they created randomly. She huffs and puffs through out his entire apology. It’s a good thing that everything he’s saying is utter shit.

On the bright side, Louis hasn’t stopped singing. His gaze is locked on the woman and every time she mutters something under her breath, he sings louder. Harry can’t stop grinning. When they’ve paid, Harry grips onto Louis’ hand and pulls him out the shop quickly, breathing heavily due to the booming laughter they’re letting out together. 

When they pass the group of teenagers from earlier on, neither Louis nor Harry take the time to stop and acknowledge the greeting they receive from all six of them. 

Who cares right? Harry’s got far more important things to acknowledge and live through. 

He throws the plastic bag onto the back seats and gets pressed against the car the minute he retracts his head from out the car, and turns around. Louis kisses him again, harder than before, and grabs a fist full of Harry’s shit in his hand. 

“Where’s that from?” Harry asks, voice hoarse and cracked. Louis’ so beautiful. His cheeks are flushed from laughing so much and Harry’s never felt as happy, and as sad, as he does in this exact moment. 

Louis winks at him and pecks him before wordlessly turning his back to Harry, and walking back to the passenger door. He waits till Harry’s unlocked the car and in the few minutes between that, he watches Harry watch him with a coy smirk on his mouth. 

They get in together and turn on the radio immediately. Harry’s favourite band is The Black Keys and he wiggles in his seat from excitement when Louis slides in their new CD, ‘Turn Blue’, into the car stereo. 

Harry increases the volume to maximum and they stop at the side of the street to put the roof down before resuming their journey to anywhere else but where they were raised. 

They sing—along to every single on the album, whether or not they know it, and if he could, Harry’d laugh at fate for the mistake it made when it decided to let a love so bright go to waste. 

“In the dead of the night I start to lose control! But I still carry the weight like I’ve always done before. It gets so heavy at times but what more can I do? I gotta stay on track just like pop told me to.” 

 

*

Harry stops driving at two am. He pulls over on the side of a main road and closes the roof as well as the windows. Louis pushes the backseats till they become a flat surface and follows after Harry when he moves to the back of the car. 

It’s so much colder than before. Louis presses his body against Harry’s and takes a couple deep breathes to stop himself from shaking so badly. “I sweat it’s partly because of the adrenaline.” 

He yawns as Harry pulls a blanket over them and wraps his arms around Louis’ waist, pressing Louis more against his chest for warmth. 

Louis hums and snuggles further into Harry’s warmth. “You’re great Hazza.” he whispers against Harry’s chest, running his fingers up and down the slope of his neck. He’s probably under the impression that Harry’s asleep.“Thank you for everything. I’m sorry.”

The blankets are heavy and underneath them, they’ve tangled their feet together like they used to before. Harry lets Louis rest his head on his chest and tries to ignore the sound of his heart shattering to even more pieces. 

Can you hear that? Harry thinks, staring up at the empty black sky through the transparent window on the roof of the car. That’s the sound of me loving you when i shouldn’t. 

 

*

When Harry wakes up, Louis isn’t there anymore.

Panic rises in his chest and he sits up immediately. Despite his blurry vision, Harry’s eyes search around the car before rolling down the window next to him. 

The rain is pouring heavily and Harry wraps his arms around himself when a cold breeze blows into the car. It’s easy to make out the outline of Louis’ body through the rain. Harry sticks his head out the window. “Put a shirt on!” 

Caught of guard, Louis’ head snaps up and his gaze lands on Harry. He laughs while shaking his head. “I’m feeling!”  
Confused, Harry feels his face scrunch up in confusion. “What?” 

“I’m feeling!” Louis repeats, shouting even louder than before. “I forgot how wonderful it was to actually be stuck in a rain storm. There isn’t much of a variety of weather in hospital Harry, or rehab.” 

At the reminder of where Louis had been before now, Harry’s blood goes cold. He closes the window and rolls back into the blankets he had fallen asleep under earlier on. There were times Harry had spent the entire night awake trying to figure out how and where everything went wrong- how Louis ended up in hospital and then rehab and then back to the fucking hospital for trying to end everything again, for a second time. 

Harry used to think everything that happened was his fault. He doesn’t think that anymore, he can’t. He’s so fucking tired. 

The urge to light a cigarette is too strong to ignore. With shaking hands, he digs into the pockets of the coat he left on the drivers seat and takes out a pack of Marlboro cigarettes. He grabs the lighter by his feet and uses it to light the cigarette in his fingers. 

There’s so many things they could’ve done to stop this. Reaching over to grab the box full of CD’s on the drivers seat, Harry pulls out ‘Rumspringa’ by Canon Blue and slides that CD in once he’s slid the one from earlier on out. 

He skips all the songs until he reaches number five, ‘VelvetTeenager.’

Half way through the first verse, Louis comes in. He’s sopping wet and his entire body is shaking violently. Harry throws him the towel he keeps in the boot and Louis drapes it over his shoulders, eyes never leaving Harry’s as he settles down next to him. 

He’s so beautiful, so pure, in the most destructive way possible. 

(There’s nothing to say / there’s nothing to do / you’re looking for me when I’m looking for you)

“Did i do something wrong?” Louis asks, flipping open the lid of the cigarettes. He slides one out and lights it using the lighter he stole from Harry. “I’m sorry if i did.” He exhales. “I never know anymore.” 

They’re so close to one another that their shoulders brush against each others. When Harry turns to look at Louis, his breath hitches and he’s got to take another drag of his cigarette to stop himself from crying. 

Louis’ eyes are like raging storms again- like cloudy skies, silvery moons and pale smoke. 

(It’s not alright / it’s not alright / I’ll keep it inside when there’s no where to hide)

“Shut up, you did nothing wrong.” Harry mutters through a face full of smoke. Louis lays his head on Harry’s shoulder and exhales softly. “Are you okay?” They’re fingers lace together and Louis holds his hands close to his chest. “I love you a lot.”

“I’m trying. I could be better. I love you too.” The world sighs against Harry’s shoulders and asks, “are we okay?” even though he knows they aren’t. Being seventeen isn’t mean to hurt like this. Neither of them deserve it. 

(And all of this and all of this / love can’t hold what love can’t give / and all of this and all of this / keep it wanted till the feeling’s missed)

Harry doesn’t know how to deal with aches like this. “I don’t know.” he answers truthfully. “We’re a bit fucked up aren’t we?” 

Louis smiles sadly and looks at everything but Harry. “One day we’ll sort it out. I hope so.” Hr pulls his bottom lip into his mouth and closes his eyes. “You’re all i’ve got.”

(There’s nothing to say / there’s nothing to do / you’re looking for me when I’m looking for you / and they say and all of this and all of this/ we’ll keep it wanted till the feeling’s missed.)

Time stops for them, only for a moment, and Harry uses this silence to listen to Louis breathing. The room smells of tobacco and smelly feet. 

“I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened.” 

Harry takes a sharp drag from his cigarette and nods his head. Louis finishes his cigarette quickly and lights another one. Harry says nothing. He watches Louis and wonders whether fate was right in deciding to tear them apart from each other. They love too much and too hard, which is nice in the beginning but sooner or later, all of it will become to suffocating and toxic. 

They’ll kill each other in the end, if they keep on loving each other the way they do know. Harry wants to tell Louis that they’re never ever going to be okay, but fuck; it’s nice to think about it. 

 

*

Harry’s driving down an empty high way and Louis’ everywhere. 

He’s to the left of Harry and the right, but he’s also walking running beneath this car. He’s on the mountain they’re driving next to and he’s also the entire mountain. He’s the clouds in the sky, the sky and the rain falling onto them. 

‘Uncle ACE’ by Blood Orange is playing through the stereo and Louis’ singing along to it, loudly, with his arms stretched up into the air and his head tipped back. The two of them move their bodies from side to side with the nostalgic beat of the song. 

(Does this feel easy cause’ it’s all you’ll get from me / Do you feel easy to think I’m just what you need? / I won’t complain if you don’t tell me what you see / Does this feel easy cause’ it’s all you’ll get from me) 

“Where are we going now?” Louis leans over the driving stick and kisses Harry’s neck. When Harry shrugs in return, he giggles and falls back onto his seat with a huff. 

Surprising them both, Harry’s foot presses harder down against the accelerator and Louis turns to look at him quickly through wet eyelashes. His cheeks are tinted pink and his hair is damp against his face. 

“I don’t want to go back home Haz,” he tells Harry, tugging his bottom lip into his mouth and tracing hearts onto his jean clad thighs. “I want to go to Paris. I want to kiss you underneath the stars. I just want you,” he admits, “anywhere, all the time.” 

Harry thinks; you’ve got me with you all the time. Everywhere.

It’s difficult to bite down the smile that eventually spreads across Harry’s face. He tightens his grip on the steering wheel and doesn’t flinch when Louis tucks his face into the crook of his neck. 

“Okay,” he hums, “Paris it is then.” 

 

*

Believe it or not, but they haven’t got enough money to go to Paris. 

The news doesn’t shock Harry. The idea had been impulsive and it had made his blood boil with excitement. He’s just upset and angry with himself. 

However, Louis’ laughing and has been for the last ten minutes. Harry would be irritated if he hadn’t been peppering kisses all over Harry’s face in an awful attempt to calm him down.

“Stop working yourself up love,” Louis tells him, “It’s not your fault. We’re still teenagers baby, we’re jobless too, it shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise.” He runs his fingers through Harry’s damp, unruly, mass of curls and coos when Harry leans into his touch. 

“I wanted to do something for you Lou.” Harry sulks. He feels idiotic and childish. He’s got one arm wrapped around Louis’ waist and his other hand is resting on Louis’ shoulder. “I wanted to make you happy.” 

Louis sways their bodies from side to side. “I don’t need Paris to make me happy. I just need you.” He takes Harry’s head between both of his hands and pulls his own head back so that they’re looking at each other. Smiling, Harry’s eyes glance up at the red beanie sitting on his head. It’s got a little fluffy ball at the top and it’s too bright. Louis looks like Louis again- full of life and happiness and youth. He’s so tragically beautiful. Harry’s entire body is buzzing. 

Right now, they’re standing on the side of a high way that’s leading directly into London. Louis’ got Harry pressed against his car and neither of them can believe they’ve made it this far. Home is so far away. 

“You came back yesterday.” 

Louis nods his head and leans up to brush his nose against Harry’s. “I did?” he asks, voice hushed as if there are people around them. It’s like it was in the old days, when it was just them two.

Harry can’t bite down the smile forcing it’s way onto his face. He lets out a breathless life and answers, “yeah,” voice equally as quiet. A breathless laugh tumbles from his mouth and it’s hard to forget just how tired he is. “Yeah, you did, and i still love you.” he says, “i still love you a lot.” 

Louis pats his cheeks and his eyes flicker down to Harry’s red lips before coming back up to look at him. When Harry grabs his wrists so that he can’t move them to cover his flushed cheeks, he blushes even more and gives up trying. “That’s good.” Louis says, blinking his eyes rapidly. “I love you too and i don’t think that’ll ever change. Now please let go of me.” 

Harry drops his hands and Louis makes a quick attempt to get away but Harry moves his hands down to grip on Louis’ throat, which has him letting out a frustrated shout. Harry laughs and turns their bodies around so that Louis’ the one who’s trapped between him and the car. 

“I’m evil,” he admits, “I know.” 

Louis stops struggling and sighs. He scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Let’s go to London and buy cheap wine. We can waste our money on a hotel and create our own Paris.” Harry kisses the spot on his neck where his pulse is and feels a shiver shoot through Louis’ body. “”Let’s pretend we are who we used to be.” 

Okay. “Okay.” Yeah. “Yeah.” 

 

*

They check into a cheap motel and do nothing up until the clock strikes seven thirty pm. Louis insists on showering first and refuses to let Harry shower with him to save time, like they used to. However, Harry doesn’t want to stress him so he doesn’t argue. 

Once Louis’ finished showering and brushing his teeth, he comes out and Harry hurries in immediately. He showers quickly and when he’s finished, he brushes his teeth and walks out of the bathroom with the toothbrush still hanging out the corner of his mouth. 

He finds Louis with his face pressed against the balcony sliding door. “Look at this Harry.” Louis whispers in awe. “Look at how pretty the lights are.” 

Harry walks closer and huffs out a laugh when the boards creak beneath his feet every time he takes a step. The entire room looks as if it’d fall to pieces if you jumped up too high. But it’s okay, they’re okay and he’s okay. 

“London’s beautiful, isn’t it?” 

Harry isn’t expecting a reply but Louis nods his head anyway. This, whatever it is, almost feels like forever. The lights outside are bright and Louis’ got his hands pressed flat on the window. He takes a deep breath and turns his head to look up and meets Harry’s gaze. His eyes are so blue. 

Louis smiles a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “How about an adventure?” 

The definition of ‘adventure’ for Louis has always been different from other people’s definition of ‘adventure.’ It’s never been as normal- or safe- but it’s always been fun and exhilarating. A little fun won’t do any harm to them. 

 

*

At nine pm they leave the hostel and go sit at some cool diner in central London. Harry orders them some cocktails and they laugh over silly, old jokes. Louis’ eyes are pale blue now- the same colour as Norwegian glaciers. They’re a pale watery blue you’d imagine the eyes of a ghost would be like. And he looks beautiful, so, so beautiful that Harry has to tell him- can’t stop the words from blurting out. 

“What?” Louis chuckles. 

“I think you’re beautiful.” Harry repeats, slower this time. “Outrageously beautiful.” 

The smile Louis shoots at him ignites a scorching fire in the pits of Harry’s body. His cheeks redden like the beanie on his head and he says, “so are you.” 

For a while after that they sit in silence while Louis plays footsie with Harry underneath the table. He sips his cocktail slowly and bats his eyes coyly every time their gazes meet. “Hazza?” he speaks, pulling his lips off the straw with a pop. He sits up straight and Harry smiles, tilting his head to the side. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Of course,” 

Louis twirls his straw around before pinching it between his fingers and taking a long sip. He clears his throat very loudly. “Uh,” he speaks, spluttering, “do you think people are, like, going to get worried?” 

Harry doesn’t know a lot of things- about life, about school, about what he’s going to do to catch up with school when he finally gets back home, about his future and what university he’s going to do, about what he’s going to do and etc. He doesn’t know a lot of things, which means he doesn’t know the answer to Louis’ question too. “I don’t know.” he tells Louis because it’s all he can come up with without lying. “My mum knows, i think, and so does Gem. They’re probably worried already, but i’m seventeen.”

Louis laughs too suddenly and too loudly. “Yeah, you’re only seventeen.” There’s no trace of humour in his laughter and the smile on his face doesn’t reach his eyes like the others did. “Fuck, your family’s always understood.” He thinks out loud. His tone of voice is bitter and he tears his eyes off Harry’s to look into his cocktail. “My parents have never given a fuck about me. I mean, they probably didn’t even blink an eye when i tried to off my-“

“Shut up Louis.” Harry barks. Louis’ mouth closes immediately, but no apology comes from him and Harry’d be lying if he said he was even a little bit surprised. 

He just continues to sip on his damn cocktail. “Whatever.” 

“I can’t believe you. You’d do it again, wouldn’t you?” 

The question is answered in the way Louis looks up and smiles at him. He slides the box of cigarettes lying in the middle of the table closer to him and takes one out, lighting it up. He brings it to his lips and inhales slowly. 

“Stop blaming yourself for the shit i did, or do, to myself.” he exhales. “I’m sorry, i think it must fucking hurt, but you need to fucking understand that there are some people who just weren’t cut out for life. I can’t do this. It’s fucking hard, this, being me. You’ve got to understand.” 

The way Harry slams his fist against the table makes them both jump. “Understand what?” he screams, face flustered and entire body hurting. “y’know what hurts? This stupid thing that we’re doing, us, we hurt, you are what fucking hurts me! You think life’s easier on everyone else but you? Huh? You can’t do this type of shit Louis. You can’t talk about things like that so damn casually because trying to kill yourself is not like scraping your knee or getting a blister!”

It’s not up until Louis gets up from his chair and walks to him that Harry realises that he’s crying. Louis pulls him into his chest and his thumb brushes away the hot tears pouring down Harry’s face. As much as Harry would love to have the heart to tell Louis to fuck off, he can’t- doesn’t know how to. 

It’s been three months and whatever he’s needed to get better since he went crazy is whatever this is- whatever is happening right now. 

“Harry-“ 

A sob rakes through his entire body. “It’s not the same.” he cries, voice breaking as another embarrassing sob violently shakes his body. People are looking at him. He can feel eyes boring through his skin and he can’t find enough oxygen to fill his lungs up. 

So much is happening. But, Louis’ holding him still and he smells the same way he’s always smelt. Like home and something better than that. Painful flashbacks of when things were still good play in the back of Harry’s mind like an old cassette tape and fuck, fuck, fuck. They’re so young. Harry’s only seventeen. He doesn’t deserve this much pain.

(Once upon a time Louis told him his eyes were the same colour as that type of green that pushed it’s way through the piles of gritty snow to remind you that spring is coming. That’s something Harry’ll never forget.)

“I’m sorry.” 

“This hurts Lou.” Harry says this as he clothes onto the thick material of Louis’ sweater. “And i feel it all over, like, fuck Lou. I just … I love you so much, but this hurts so, so much.” 

Louis brushes his fingers through Harry’s hair and presses his chapped lips to Harry’s scalp. ‘i know baby,” he whispers, “and i love you too. I love you so much. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Fuck. Let’s leave. I wanna go for a walk.” Harry looks up at Louis through blurry vision only to find that Louis’ crying too. “We’re in Paris, aren’t we?” Louis smiles this very sad smile and leans down to kiss him. 

Harry nods his head frantically and chews on his bottom lip. Louis pulls them through the crowds of people and Harry hears someone compliment them for being beautiful, which Harry can’t wrap his mind around because they aren’t. How does being young and loving someone so much that your entire body aches for them classify as something beautiful? 

Christ, the urge to throw his drink at them is forced to simmer down by Louis, who interlocks their fingers together. Harry wants to tell all these people that they’re pathetic, because neither of them are beautiful and this overwhelming love they share for each other is as toxic as anything in the world. 

Yes they are beautiful, but only in the most tragic of ways. It’s not enough though. Despite that, they’re still holding onto love because that’s all that’s left. 

 

*

London is quiet at night. At times, the shrill sound of someone laughing will echo throughout the entire city and Louis will jump with the sound, smiling as if it were him who’d just laughed so jubilantly. 

The two of them are walking through London silently. Harry’s got his arm slung over Louis’ shoulder and he’s breathing in the fumes of his sixth cigarette. From the way he’s walking, Louis’ just a little bit tipsy. It must be from the whiskey he’s been gulping down, and refilling, from a flask he grabbed at the motel.

They’re such a mess, such a spectacular mess, but they’re in love and that’s got to mean something. Right? Please may it mean something, Harry hopes. Their relationship was doomed from the start. They’re a little bit like star-crossed lovers. They were a heartbreak waiting to happen. 

Harry finds himself laughing bitterly before he can stop himself. Louis looks at him and opens his mouth to but nothing comes out. “What does heartbreak feel like?” 

They stop walking, Harry doesn’t notice this until Louis’ pressing his body against his and planting wet kisses along the lining of his jaw. “I wouldn’t know Harry,” he murmurs as he drags his hands down Harry’s pants and breathes in the moan Harry lets out, “but i think this is it.” 

They’re in a park and there’s a bench, a jungle gym and a sky. In Louis’ eyes, there is a moon, which is their moon because Louis is an entire world. He’s cold but so hot and he’s small but also the largest thing in the world. 

For them, this is the end of a lifetime. 

Harry presses him against a dying tree and kisses Louis like the sun’s literally about to burn them all to ash. This is it. 

thisisitthisisitthisisitthisisitthisisit

 

*

They fuck right there, underneath the rays from the moon, and when they get back to the motel they make love to the voice of Jimi Hendricks. It’s the most romantic they’ve ever been. Louis’ body is full of scars and bruises, and Harry can’t keep his eyes off him- off the fading scars on his thighs and arms that weren’t there before. 

They kiss like they’ve got all the time in the world. Louis’ loud and needy, he scratches his nails down Harry’s back and whimpers praises into the crook of his neck. 

They’re so beautiful, but this isn’t enough to stop everything from crumbling around them. Despite that, this is the most Harry’s felt in a long time and it’s also the most Louis’ shown in a long time. 

The two weeks that they spend in London is majestical. Louis’ a dream, a nightmare and every person in the world’s definition of what paradise is, thrown into one human being. 

They spend their nights smoking so many cigarettes that their lungs feel as if they’ll turn to ash if either of them light another cigarette. They take long strolls around the city and when it rains they dance. There’s a countless amount of new people they meet who drag them along to cool, older, parties and let them into clubs. 

They fuck a lot. A lot. But they also make a lot of sweet, sweet love. They smoke good weed and get drunk on shit alcohol. They discover interesting bands and meet some more beautiful people. 

The cycle starts again and every day is a new day full of new memories. Harry never wants to leave. Louis breathes life into him. That fact is both beautiful and devastating. 

 

*

They meet a boy named Zayn. He’s horrifically beautiful, with his auburn eyes and chiselled cheekbones. Harry wonders how many hearts he’s broken. 

Anyway, Louis’ actually the one who takes a liking to him. They meet him at a restaurant, one they all got kicked out of after Louis started dancing to a song playing on the stereo and the only one who found it amusing was Zayn. Ever since then Louis’ been absolutely intrigued by him, which is understandable considering the fact that he does look like a legitimate God.

Harry doesn’t enjoy his company as much. A little part of him sets alight when Louis asks Zayn to join them for their day to the museum. They spend the entire day together and when it begins to get dark, they hop onto a train back to Camden where their shitty motel is and also where Zayn’s girlfriend supposedly lives. 

Once they’re on the train, Louis falls asleep on Harry’s lap and Zayn sits across them with his arms crossed over his chest. “Why?” 

Harry looks up from Louis and quirks his one eyebrow up in confusion. Louis sticks of tobacco, alcohol and winter. Harry wouldn’t trade him for anyone else in the world. “Why what?”

Zayn’s eyes flicker down to the pretty boy asleep on Harry’s lap. “Why…” He brings his mahogany eyes back to look at Harry’s olive green eyes and his stare is so strong that Harry wants to look away but doesn’t because of his pride. “Why are you trying so hard to make all of this … work?” 

Whatever Harry had expected, it hadn’t been that. Zayn’s eyebrows are furrowed like he hadn’t that question would hit him deep and Harry clenches his feet in Louis’ hand. However, Louis swipes his thumb over Harry’s knuckles subconsciously and Harry loosens his fist. 

The rate of his heart rate slows down too. “What the fuck do you mean?” Harry snaps, shuffling in his seat. When Louis whines in his sleep, Harry pulls him closer. “Who the fuck are you?” 

It’s late and they’re five hours away from home. Louis’ so warm and Harry feels beautiful, but he’s so angry. Zayn’s an over-observant prick that knows too much about things and people when he shouldn’t. Harry hates that. 

Ignoring his annoyance, Zayn continues. “Love.” he speaks, unfazed by the evident anger on Harry’s face, “It’s never supposed to feel like a burden.” 

 

*

“Think I wanna go home now Lou.”

It’s morning now and they’re still wrapped in thick itchy blankets. The air outside this bed is so cold, if the goosebumps forming on his elbows are anything to go by. 

Harry props himself up on his elbows. Louis looks at him over his shoulder after he’s sat up and planted his feet on the ground. Harry reaches over to touch his neck and feels Louis grow stiff under his touch. 

“Me too,” he sighs. 

 

*

(I have tried so hard not to be like them / I have found that they don’t say what they mean / There is a truth / there is a light / if you’ll follow me there)

 

*

“Why’d you do it?” 

Louis’ staring out the window, watching all the trees pass by in a blur of green and brown. His head is pressed against the window and his knees are tucked underneath his chin. Harry doesn’t want to go home anymore. He wonders if Louis wants to pause this moment like he does, if he wants to stay like this forever.

 

Because home means closure and losing Louis, which Harry can’t go through again. How does someone explain wanting someone for the rest of their life? how does someone explain that they’d make so many sacrifices to keep their hearts from getting broken by the one person they’re sure they’re going to love forever? It scares Harry so much. He’s seventeen and so in love with a boy he’d move mountains for.

The thing is that none of this is enough and that hurts so much. 

Louis looks at Harry with wide blue eyes. The smile on his face is forced. “What did I do?”

Harry knows he knows what he’s talking about. “It hurts less.” is all he splutters out, breathing in hard to try and keep his heart beat at a normal pace. He keeps his eyes on the road but ends up closing them for a brief second. There are so many damn memories they’ve made with each other, everywhere, and so many other memories they could’ve created together. He opens his eyes. “Not really,” he continues, “but i’m so tired and I’ve wanted to know for such a long time why you tried to kill yourself.” 

They drive past a frozen lake. Harry wants to cut a hole right in the middle of it and drown himself. 

“Tell me, please. Why did you do it?” 

There are so many other things that he wants to say just hanging off the tip of his tongue, like ‘what were you thinking?’ ‘Were you thinking at all?’ or ‘did you think of me at all while you were trying to cut your veins open and starve yourself?’ 

He says nothing. Louis stays quiet for a long time and glances at Harry before casting his eyes down to the scars on his wrist. From the corners of his eyes, Harry watches Louis trace the ones that haven’t healed much and looks away when Louis lifts his head to stare out the window. He takes a large intake of breath that sends a shiver up Harry’s spine. 

“I hate myself. A lot, actually.”

(Do you think we’ll be in love forever? / do you think we’ll be in love?) 

Louis laughs. “I hate you too.” he quickly adds, running his hand through his hair. “But i don’t, y’know? Like, i thought i did because I wanted to hate you but i couldn’t because you’re, fuck, you’re you. You’re Harry. I- i know i’m not making any sense but i just couldn’t. i can’t, I love you so much. I had this crazy idea that me loving you was hurting you and that hurt me too so I just went a little bit fucking crazy. Fuck.” 

They stay silent for a long time and it’s so uncomfortable. When Louis speaks again his voice is less anxious and more controlled. 

“We’re so fucking young Harry. I don’t want to be the one who ruins your life. I don’t want you growing older and regretting this- regretting me.” 

Harry’s hand start to shake again and his heart feels too big in his chest. “And?” he croaks, trying to stop the tears from falling, “you fucking idiot. You could’ve spoken to me! I would’ve tried to do something, i would’ve tried my best Lou! Because that’s what you do when you love somebody as much as I love you; you do what you can to make them happy. You didn’t need to do what you did, I was there, I am here- always. You almost killing yourself killed me.”

“I’m not going to let you sit here in front of me and make me feel even more horrible than I already do! Fuck you. Fu-“ Louis chokes on his words and breaks down, curling into himself and panting. “-oh my god.” 

Harry parks his car on the spot they fell asleep at when they weren’t so used to each other anymore. That was two weeks ago. They’ve relearnt each other all over again, even though they aren’t supposed to, they have anyway. It all feels the same as it used to. Harry unbuckles his seatbelt and wraps his hands around Louis’ wrists. 

Louis isn’t looking at him, doesn’t want to. His sobs have quietened but Harry can still see the tears streaming down his face and the hole in his chest expands. He can’t fucking breathe. 

“Look at me.” He demands. “Fucking look at me Louis, please.”

Loving someone who’s gone to war and come back is harder than Harry ever imagined. Louis looks at him and his eyes are bloodshot. The tears streaming down his flushed cheeks are coming down in bucket loads and the minute their eyes meet, Louis starts to cry again- louder than before, more heartbreaking than anything in the world. 

Harry holds him to his chest as he cries, kissing his head and tells him that he’ll love him forever. 

“Baby,” he manages to say despite his inability to take a deep breath without feeling like somebody’s punctured one of his lungs. This is it. This is everything Harry’s been trying to run away from ever since things became what they weren’t supposed to ever be. “I love you. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for not noticing, for not- I’m so fucking sorry baby.” 

This is the first time Louis’ cried properly since things fell apart. He doesn’t need to tell Harry this for him to know. When he pulls away from Louis, the boy whimpers softly and parts his lips. His breathing is shallow and his eyes are bright, but it’s only because the white part of his eyes are deep red. 

Harry kisses his tears away and presses his moist lips to the scars on his wrists, eyes trained on Louis’. His pretty lover is one of the strongest people in the world and Harry’s heart will continue to beat for him until it can’t take the ache anymore. 

Talk to me baby,” he pleads, “please.” 

Fear makes people do stupid things. Louis tells him this right before he admits to everything he never had the guts to share with anyone before Harry. He tells Harry about his father molesting him as a kid and how that experience had effected the way he thought of other people now. He tells Harry about his constant struggle with accepting a body that’s been through so much, a body that he’s got to learn to love in order not to do what he did again- “I can’t repeat the same mistake twice.” He tells Harry about his selfish need for attention at home because his mum acts like he doesn’t exist sometimes and it hurts him more than he likes to show.  
He tells Harry about wanting to die. He tells Harry about loving him, about wanting to the best for him. 

Louis tries so hard to be there for everyone he loves. He says this, mentions how hard it was to be a constant figure in his siblings lives when his mum was out trying to earn a living for them all when he too is also still a kid. 

“Sometimes i feel really empty, hollow almost.” he says. “It’s tiring seeing my mum with all these different men who barely give a shit about her. I’m scared that’ll be me one day. I can’t lose-“ you, Is what he wants to say but stops himself before the word leaves his mouth. 

Growing up is tough. Harry’s been through two obstacles in his life- two proper ones- and they’ve been terrible, so terrible that he knows for a fact that after this obstacle he’ll avoid having another one ever. 

Taking a sharp, shallow breathe in order to calm himself down, Louis says; “I don’t want to be a tragedy Hazza.” Harry pushes him back against the blankets behind them. “I love you,” he continues to whisper, “but I don’t think you deserve this.” 

Harry kisses him to shut him up and fucks him slowly, but passionately, while he chants praises into the crook of his neck. 

When they’ve tired each other out, they fall asleep quickly and it all feels so familiar when it’s not supposed to. 

(You’re no good for me but baby I want you/ I want you.)

 

*

The sun rises and the world stirs next to Harry. 

“I love you,” the world mutters as he rolls over so that he’s lying on his back. Louis stretches his arms up and wiggles his fingers in the air before dropping his head on Harry’s head, eliciting a groan from the other boy. “But you’re taking up all the damn space.” He sighs and drops the same hand he dropped on Harry’s head on his stomach this time. 

The laugh Harry lets out is weak and he struggles to open his eyes. Propping himself up on his elbows, he drops his head back over his shoulders and lets his hair cascade down his back. As his hair brushes against his shoulder blades, he closes one eye and turns his head to look at Louis, who’s smiling at him. 

“You look tired,” Harry rasps out, voice gravelly and rough, “and happy. That’s good.” 

Louis crawls into his lap and spreads his legs on either side of Harry’s body. Harry doesn’t miss the way he rolls his eyes at his words, but before he can say anything Louis’ swooping down to brush his lips over his pulse on his neck. Harry’s breath hitches and when Louis jerks his hips against his suddenly, he gasps and throws his head back at the sudden jolt of pleasure that shoots up his spine. 

Harry won’t let him win though and he quickly retaliates by tweaking both of Louis’ nipples, causing the other boy to shout and fall off of him. He smacks Harry hard on his chest and shouts for what seems like a life time. 

“I’m still sensitive, you fool!” he exclaims, frowning. 

Harry smirks. “D’you think I would’ve done that If I knew you weren’t?” 

Louis huffs loudly and turns his head away when Harry leans into him to try and get a kiss. He presses his hand to Harry’s mouth and attempts at shoving him away. “I’ve got morning breathe.” 

Harry grunts and grabs a hold of both of Louis’ wrists with one hand. With the other hand, he grips onto the back of Louis’ neck and kisses him before he can say anything else. 

 

*

As they get closer to home, they’ve got to stop on the side of the road again, by the drug store they danced at all those nights ago. 

Harry rushes out the car and falls down to the ground on his knees to puke. Louis comes, squats down beside him and holds his hair out of his face. There’s a huge, uncomfortable knot in his stomach that he’s struggling to deal with. Once he’s finished puking, he sits down on his arse, leans his head against Louis’ chest and cries. 

This is it, he thinks as he gets back into the car and lets out a shuddery breath. Louis hands him some water and Harry thanks him quietly, with a nod of his head. What comes after this?

 

*

“Take me to the ocean Hazza!” Louis screams over the music. He tips his head back against the seat and vibrates with the vibrations coming off from the music. It’s so loud. The wind is blowing Harry’s hair all over the place, as well as Louis’. “I want to go to the ocean.” 

He sits back down on the sit properly and leans over the driving stick to suck on Harry’s earlobe. 

“For old times sake,” he says. 

Yeah. “Yeah.” Okay. “Okay.” 

 

*

There’s the ocean and then there’s Louis. Harry can’t decide which one of them is more beautiful. 

But then he catches Louis drawing stars into the sand while humming along to the music playing on his phone with petal pink cat eye sunglasses he most probably stole from one of his sisters, and he thinks that yeah, Louis’ the most spectacular human in the world. 

The sun pushes its way through the thick pale grey clouds scattered across the powder blue sky. Harry murmurs something about how good the sun feels and Louis moans softly, agreeing with him. He throws himself onto Harry’s bare chest and sighs happily. The sun hasn't shone this bright since summer changed into autumn then into winter. 

“If you were given the chance to travel to five places in Europe, where’d you go?” They used to ask each other questions like this all the time. They’d get each other excited at the possibilities of travelling the world together. Both of them now know that everything they planned will never happen. It’s okay though, whatever happens won’t stop this from hurting any less. The thought of living with it doesn’t seem as terrifying any more. 

“Uh,” Louis slurs, “I’d want to go to the Czech Republic, Greece, Croatia, Turkey and Slovakia.” 

Harry grins and rests his hand on Louis’ forehead. “And out of Europe?” 

“South Africa, Morocco, Indie, Tokyo and Nepal.” 

“South Africa sounds bloody amazing.”

Louis hums and nibbles on his bottom lip. “My aunt went there this summer. It was winter apparently and she said it was absolutely wicked, like really beautiful. She said she’d take me there one day, to Cape Town and this place called Kwazulu Natal especially. It looks beautiful there.” 

Harry chuckles at how soft Louis’ speaking. Louis lifts his head up from the ground and pushes his glasses up his head. “Really?” Harry questions. He laughs when Louis laughs and mouths ‘really’ back to him. 

“Okay!” Louis shouts, turning around so that he’s on his knees and smacks his hand on Harry’s chest. “Your turn. Five places in Europe that you’d go to?” 

 

Harry’s got to think really hard about this because there are so many places he’d like to visit once he finally gets the chance to leave this fucking place. “Holland, Hungary, Portugal, Romania and Austria.” 

While he says this, Louis keeps his focus on Harry’s lips and his gaze doesn’t waver at all, even when Harry slips out a cigarette from behind his ears to fit in between his lips.

“And out?” 

“America, Tanzania, Cambodia, Israel and Namibia.” Harry answers, “Congo sounds pretty cool too.” 

Without any hesitation, Louis moves to straddle Harry’s waist. He takes Harry’s face between his hands and says, “I’d follow you across the world” with eyes that are bright and translucent- too soft to be turquoise but too bright to be baby blue. “I want to go everywhere with you.” 

As Louis takes a lighter from his pocket, Harry’s mouth twitches up and his eyes follow the movement of Louis’ hands as he lights his cigarette for him. Before taking a sharp inhale of the cigarette, Harry’s eyes flicker down to the end of the cigarette. It’s bright orange, glowing luminously. “That’d be nice.” He says, finally looking into Louis’ eyes when the boy takes the cigarette out of his mouth. He exhales as Louis inhales and his eyes move to look directly at the sun. Even through his sunglasses, it hurts. 

Harry’s always liked to dare himself to do things that he always hurt him in the end. 

“I want you too,” he replies, watching Louis’ chest relax as he exhales, “only, he continues, “for the rest of my life.”

Louis takes another drag and when he exhales, it’s with a laugh that’s quickly followed by a vicious fit of coughs. Harry’s hand twitches on Louis’ thigh and he pats his back. “That- that won’t happen though.” Louis manages to say as he tries to get his breathing back on track. He passes the cigarette back to Harry and drops his head onto Harry’s chest.

“Yeah,” Harry inhales, “it won’t.” 

After that, it gets eerily quiet between them. Harry’s breathing evens out but his heart rate stays at the same frantic pace it’s been at for the past two weeks since Louis’ come back. 

“I can hear your heart beating.” Louis rests his hand over the spot where Harry’s heart beats under. “Calm down,” he tells him, “there’s nothing to be afraid of.” 

But there is, Harry wants to say, there’s everything to be afraid of. There’s you to be afraid of. You who broke my heart, you who’s gotten your heart broken by me, us whose hearts have been broken by each other without meaning to. 

He wants to explain to Louis how terrifying it is loving someone who’s shaken hands with death and come back to retell the story.

There’s something so trivial, so beautiful about the way they love each other. The waves roar with the bittersweet thump of their hearts and while this happens, Harry traces constellations on Louis’ back, using his moles as guiders on where to go, on what to do. Louis mouths at Harry’s collarbones. 

“I wish,” Louis begins, “I wish I- we, ugh.” He stops speaking and sighs deeply before beginning again. “I mean, this, this isn’t meant to end the way it’s going to. I wish this wasn’t ‘it’, y’know? Fuck harry. I want to love you for the rest of my life and part of me thinks- knows- that I will. But you’re not going to be there for me to love you in person and that hurts, even if I’ve got you right now.” 

Harry rolls them over so that he’s onto of Louis, and he kisses him until both of them run out of breath. When Louis pulls away, his breathless. He takes Harry’s phone and starts to blast ‘Losing You’ by Solange Knowles loudly. He laughs at the look Harry gives him but stands up nonetheless to dance. 

His voice fills out the entire beach, louder than it ever has and Harry’s so happy. One day this moment will become a hazy memory that he’ll look back on with a sore heart and even then he’ll remember the way he felt right now, singing and dancing and kicking sand around with the ultimate love of his life. 

To be young and in love is the bravest thing either of them will ever do. Leaving each other is the second. They work so well together and despite none of this being enough, they’re going to continue to dance as if it is- as if everything’s going to be okay afterwards. 

They’re still teenagers, they’ve still got the entire world to discover. This might be something small in comparison to other problems in the world but it.s huge for them.

Louis laughs with his entire body and stumbles into Harry’s body, which sends them toppling onto the ground. They stand up and Louis’ still laughing. 

“You’ve got the literal grace of a new born giraffe.” Louis tells him as he grips onto his broad shoulders. 

Genuinely offended, Harry shoves Louis away from him and cackles loudly when Louis falls onto the sand. The smugness washes away quickly the minute Louis jumps up and starts to chase him down to the shore. Harry gives up then and rolls onto the sound. He stops when he’s lying on his back and lets out this raucous burst of laughter, that shakes his entire body. The tips of his hair get wet by the water that gets pushed up the sand by the current and Harry laughs harder, louder. 

This feels so good. Louis catches up to him eventually and sits down next to him, looking at him with a bright grin and a bright heart and gentle fingers that rake through his damp hair. 

Harry feels seventeen. He feels young and in love- the type of in love that he knows will last forever. Fuck, he can’t even stop laughing. Every single nerve in his entire body is buzzing from the happiness pouring out from every pore on his body as well as Louis’. 

(We used to kiss all night but now it’s just no use / I don’t know why I fight it, really we are through / tell me the truth boy am I losing you for good?)

 

*

They get into the car after the sun’s disappeared behind the clouds and set into the ocean. The moon comes up, sits in the sky like it doesn’t want to be there. Harry’s bones grow heavy again.

As they pull out of the parking lot, Louis tells him that if it were possible, he’d pull the moon down to earth for him. 

 

*

Harry parks the car where he parked the car the night he picked Louis up for their trip to Paris. His hands fold in his lap and he looks up to meet Louis’ anxious stare. The consistent tapping of his fingers against the dashboard of his car has been driving Harry crazy the entire drive here, as well as the fact that he hasn’t stopped bouncing his leg once, at all. 

He decides to reach over and hold onto Louis’ hand tightly. He brushes his thumb over Louis’ knuckle and feels him relax a little. 

“C’mon,” he says after ten minutes of pure silence have passed by, “let’s get out.” 

Louis’ eyes flicker to his and he nods his head wordlessly. He even attempts a smile. “Okay.” He replies, squeezing Harry’s hand before letting it go so that Harry can get out. He walks around the car to open the door for Louis and while he gets out, Harry looks at his front door and winces. 

The street is still a little bit lit up from the rays of the sun. Harry looks up and doesn’t know where the light is coming from. The moon’s hanging in a sky that’s been painted with lovely colours that remind Harry too-much of summer. He can still smell the ocean. He wants to go back.

“So, this is it.” 

Harry turns around and leans back against the car. Louis’ next to him and he pushes himself off the car to go stand next to the white picket fence that leads up to his front door. He stands with his back towards Harry.

“Yeah,” Harry croaks out, trying to stop his nose from tingling. “This is it.” 

Louis looks at him over his shoulder and grins widely, large enough to show all his teeth. It’s a beautiful smile, a genuine one despite the tears running down his cheeks. Harry starts to laugh and when he touches his face, his cheeks are damp with the tears that are blurring his vision. 

He can’t believe it isn’t enough. He can’t believe that it could’ve been.

‘Hand On Your Heart’ by Jose Gonzalez starts playing from his car and Harry feels as if he’s in some pathetic coming of age novel. Louis must feel like that too because he laughs and it’s the most beautiful sound Harry’s going to hear in his life. 

“I love you.” Louis blurts out with sincerity laced in each of his words. 

Harry walks towards him and Louis turns his body around so that they’re facing each other completely. When Harry’s arms wrap around his waist, Louis leans into him like he hasn’t been gone for three months and Harry leans his forehead against his. 

“But sometimes that isn’t enough, is it?”

(Well it’s one thing to fall in love/ but another to make it last / I thought we were just beginning but now you say we’re in the past)  
Louis wraps his arms around Harry’s waist and presses a soft kiss to the love bite he made on Harry’s jaw line- purple and still so sensitive. In response to the kiss, Harry shudders but pulls him closer. He even closes his eyes and takes a deep breathe. 

“We’re pathetic,” Louis laughs and his breathe feels like scorching fire against Harry’s neck.

(Look me in the eyes and tell me we are really through / I know it’s one thing to stay you love me / but another to mean it from the heart / and if you don’t intend to see it through / why did we ever start?)

Harry rocks them from side to side to the slow rhythm of the song and tells Louis that; “we’re not even remotely close to being pathetic love, because if this is what heartbreak feels like then we’ve got every reason in the world to shed a few tears.”

Louis sniffles. “A few?” he teases. 

He laughs delightfully in `Harry’s ear when Harry squeezes his waist playfully. “It was a pleasure being loved by you. I want you to know that- remember that.” Harry says against Louis’ hair. He feels him smile into the crook of his neck and let out a deep breathe of air.

(I want to hear you tell me you don’t want my love / Put your hand on your heart and tell me it’s all over / I won’t believe it till you put your hand on your heart and tell me that we’re through)

“It was a pleasure being loved by you too.” Louis replies, not pulling his face away from where it’s tucked between Harry’s jaw and shoulder.

This hurts worse than he bullet probably would. But it’s what Harry’s needed ever since things fell apart. It’s closure. Ithurtsithurtsithurts

Louis needs to leave soon. He pulls away and looks up at Harry with eyes that aren’t cornflower blue anymore, but grey like the ash remnants of a roaring fire. 

Good, Harry thinks; This hurts for you too.

The last thing Harry hears Louis shout at him as gets into his car and drives away is; “I love you always Hazza! I love you so much that it almost fucking killed me!

 

*

Gemma cries when he comes back home and his mum hugs him for what seems to be six thousand millenniums. She kisses his forehead before scurrying off to go make them all tea. 

Harry isn’t sure what he did in his past life to deserve such a beautiful family. 

 

*

Later that night, Gemma slips into his bed and tucks herself beside him. She lies down on her side and stares at the side profile of Harry’s face. He’s lying on his back, hand tucked underneath his head and other one lying on his abdomen. 

“Are you okay?” she asks as she pulls the blankets up to their shoulders and slips her fingers between his on his stomach. Her voice is soft and clear in the darkness of his bedroom. 

Half of Harry wants to lie and tell her that yes, he is okay, but she’s already had to deal with so much from him so he chooses not to. He shakes his head and looks at her with a half-hearted smile. Gemma’s eyes are chocolate brown like their fathers, and with the light seeping in through the window Harry’s able to make out the little bits of gold and green in them. 

“No.” He tells her honestly, letting out a large breathe of air he never knew he had been keeping in. “I’m not, i haven’t been okay in a while actually but I think that maybe someday I will be, like, happy or whatever. I mean, anything’s better than this.” 

Harry loves Gemma with all the left over bits of his broken heart. He loves her because she’s his sister and because she’s always known what to do in every situation, as corny as that may sound. She doesn’t give him any sympathetic smiles, forced hugs or looks of pity. Harry doesn’t want to be babied by anyone. She just squeezes his hand and let’s out a laugh that comes straight from her belly. 

His entire body warms up and he grins, dimples fully on display. 

“You’re a good person Harry.” Gemma tells him as her laughter dies down, “and i’m so proud of who you’ve become. I think you’re honestly the strongest person in the world.” 

He shrugs his shoulders and smiles like her words don’t have any affect on him when they do. Somebody’s proud of him! Somebody thinks his strong and brave! His smile is large and full of meaning and defiantly not forced. 

“Thank you Gem,” he says to her, “but calm down on the compliment yeah? It’ll boost my ego even more.” 

She ends up tweaking his nipples, which Harry shouts out loudly as a result. His mum comes running up to his room n a frenzy, thinking that somebody’s just tried to attack the two of them. When she finds the two of them laughing carelessly in Harry’s bed, she scowls but still slips into the covers to join them. 

Before they fall asleep, Harry’s mum grips onto Harry’s hand and she says; “I think it seems unbearable now, the pain, but I swear that it’ll get better. I’ve dealt with heartbreak before, I know how much it hurts, trust me sweetheart, but I’m always right here. I’m here, it hurts, but it’ll get better. I promise you.” 

 

*

On New Year, Harry wishes for self-acceptance to come barrelling into his life the way Louis did the night they left to London and created their own City Of Love. 

He also wishes for a day that he can stop thinking about Louis in a way that makes his entire body feel week. An entire year goes by and of course there are times that Harry’s body will ache but it’s starting to ache less than before, and his heart is still hurting but it’s starting to hurt less. He still can’t stop thinking about Louis but he’s okay with it because thinking about Louis is something he can deal with now. 

Louis graduated at the end of that school year somehow, and he ends up going to NYU (!!!!!) to do drama and film studies. Harry’s there when he graduates and he claps the loudest when Louis gets on the stage, whoops the most maniacally even though they haven’t spoken to each other since they came back. Louis’ eyes find his in the crowd and he grins, lifting one hand to wave at him timidly. 

Harry swears he’s never been so proud of him for making it so far.

The next year, when he’s eighteen, Harry graduates too. He gets accepted into Cambridge and studies Law, which he can’t wrap his head around how he decided on that, but he’s enjoying it. He’s got such amazing amazing friends, he barely thinks of Louis at all except for the days when he does, when the thought of him fogs up Harry’s mind. 

Are there always going to be days like those? Gemma said maybe. 

Anyway, Harry’s twenty years old now. Currently, he’s sitting in his room attempting to study, but he can’t because for the past minute someone’s been knocking on his door repeatedly and they haven’t stopped once. It’s sort of beautiful how this person hasn’t missed one single beat. That fact doesn’t change the other fact that the consistent knocking it disgustingly annoying, so he lays his books down on his lap and sighs loudly.

“Come in!” 

The door swings open and Niall waltz in. He’s wearing a plain white top with long sleeves and denim skinny jeans that he’s paired with black all stars and an ugly fedora. The towel around is neck is beige and wet, like his hair. 

Harry smiles without meaning to. “Why are you here?” 

Outside, Liam walks past the door and he snorts. Niall rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “Such a nice greeting from you,” he says, “thank you Harry Edward Styles for the heart-warming welcoming.” His lips twitch into a smile at the sound of Harry’s laugh. 

“I’m sorry mate, ‘ve been trying to study but i’ve been staring at this one page for a full hour and it’s pissing me off.” 

“Just give up?” 

Niall’s holding a stack of letters in his hands that Harry looks at for a while before looking back up into Niall’s bright blue eyes. “Aw fuck, I didn’t think of that. I was just going to turn the page and look at that for another damn hour.” He spits out sarcastically, which in turn causes Niall to cackle. 

Harry rolls his eyes this time and Niall shoots him a coy smirk. 

“How many?” he asks, referring to the letters. 

“Uh,” Niall hums, counting through the three letters that belong to Harry, “Have i ever mentioned how sad i get when people don’t get any letters?” he says as he throws the letters onto Harry’s lap and sits down at the foot of his bed. “I hate being the mailman in this dumb place.” 

Harry laughs. “You were so excited in the beginning.” He says, holding the three in his hand. One letter is from his mum, the other one is from Gemma and the third one is nameless; all there is on the envelope is a stamp of an apple and a city. 

He glances up at Niall, who’s now swinging around and around on the chair by his desk. “Who’s the third one from?” 

Niall lifts his head and stops swinging around on the chair. “How the fuck should I know? Open it and read it yourself.” 

Harry skim reads the letters from his mum and Gemma, laughing where he’s meant to laugh. He still has no idea why they insist to send him letters when they can also just call him, but they calm it’s for the sake of the olden days which Harry claims to understand when he doesn’t. He never says anything though. 

When he gets to the third letter, he opens it carefully. Niall senses his hesitance so he moves to go sit next to Harry and leans his head on Harry’s shoulder. He’s also the one who moves to go pick up the polaroid picture that falls out of the envelope when Harry pulls the letter out. 

He turns the picture around and bursts into laughter. “Oh my god!” he exclaims, looking up at Harry with bright eyes. 

Harry diverts his gaze off the pale blue paper and cranes his neck over Niall’s shoulder to see what he’s laughing at. He grabs the picture out of Niall’s hands and reads the back first. 

‘HARRY AND LOUIS: MOON AND SUN’

Perking up at that, Harry quickly turns it over. In the picture, he’s fourteen years old and the sun is beating down on his pale skin. Next to him is a fifteen year old Louis, standing beside him with his arms raised up in the air and his head tipped back. They’re waist deep in water and they look so fucking young- they look so unstoppable. It’s beautiful. Harry’s smiling so widely and his eyes are trained to the camera, curls unruly and flat against his head. 

Harry remembers that summer. The summer when both Harry and Louis’ parents drove them up to Lake District. Gemma had caught them making out in the garage with Louis’ little cousin in the garage. Does Louis still go up to visit his family that stays up there? Both of them had grown up by that lake. When was the last time either of them visited? 

In the picture, Harry’s eyes look so green, so lively and bright. His arm is wrapped around Louis’ waist. Louis kissed him for the first time the same night this picture was taken. They’d snuck out into the lake for a late swim. Everything they did was out of impulse, but everything they did was also heart-warmingly spectacular and really bloody disgusting. 

Even at fourteen, Harry had been absolutely blown away by the idea of loving Louis forever. 

His chest feels blocked, tight, and his bones- well his bones are feeling heavy all over again. There’s a tiny bit of excitement bubbling in the pits of his stomach though and that’s enough to keep him going. 

“Who’s that?” Niall asks, pointing his finger at fifteen year old Louis. “He’s pretty.” 

“Some boy,” Harry answers, stopping himself from saying anything more than that. He’s smiling, has been since Niall called Louis pretty. He hadn’t been pretty, he had been beautiful and Harry knows he still is. His heart sweeps up to the size of the entire world at the thought of Louis then and now. “His name was Louis- is Louis, Lou. Uh, we grew up together and fell in love but it hadn’t been enough, or whatever.” 

Niall meets his gaze and he smiles reassuringly. “You don’t have to speak about it if it still hurts.” He says, taking Harry off guard. “I’m not going to force you.” 

Harry stares down at the letter in his hands and notices that they’re shaking. He chuckles at himself, at his cowardliness, at his heartbreak, and nods his head quickly. “Thanks,” he says looking at Niall and shooting up an honest smile, “I’m really fucking nervous though.” 

“You should be,” Niall tells him, patting his back. Harry’s open the letter now. “Do it still. Reading this might be just what you’ve needed.” 

When Harry starts to read the letter, his grateful that Niall isn’t reading it over his shoulder without his consent.

‘Dear Hazza, or Harry- I’m not sure If i’m allowed to call you that anymore. 

Anyway, this is probably a huge surprise and I’m sorry for that, i know how much you hate surprises. Or what that me? Probably me. It’s been a while hasn’t it? I hope you’re okay. Gemma tells me that you’ve gotten into Cambridge and I’m so happy for you love, so immensely proud of you that it’s crazy. I’m not sure whether you’re happy to hear from me. I really hope you are and as selfish as it sounds, i hope you still- sort of, always- think of me because I think of you all the time, every time i can. 

It’s sort of pathetic, right? Like, it’s been three years and you’re still this hard-too-ignore itch in the back of my mind that won’t fucking go away. 

I live in New York. You know that, I know you do. I live in New York with this boy that accidentally became my boyfriend. His name is Levi- like that one porn star-and I think i love him, i’m not sure. He’s a great distraction from any thoughts of you, which is great. 

Sometimes I wonder whether I’m going to need somebody to distract me for you for the rest of my life.

Let’s move away from the depressing talk, shall we? I wrote this to you with the intention of telling you that I miss you more than I’m probably meant to. I had intended on hiding that from you but if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from knowing you is that if you’re going to feel something bigger than what you’re used to, you shouldn’t hide it- for some reason- so that’s exactly what I’m doing- feeling too much and not hiding it from the one person who needs to know. 

(Which is you, incase you were wondering.) 

Also, I wanted to thank you. Thank you for everything you did. I didn’t appreciate you enough then but I do now, so, so much. I have not idea what I would’ve done or where I would’ve been without you and I love you so much Hazza, so much. Thank you for reminding me that things aren’t going to be bad forever and that sooner or later things are going to get better, which is a lot less worse than nothing, right? 

I hope you’re aware of the fact that I love you and that I loved you a lot baby. I hope you know that If i could, I would’ve scooped up all the stars in the universe for you and stuck them on the ceiling of your room. I swear to God nobody’s going to love you as much as I did, as I do. I know it didn’t seem like it but I gave you my all, and I say this not caring whether or not it sounds obnoxious because at least I’m being honest. I fucking loved you, I fucking love you still and that’ll never change but it’s too late for us. 

So yeah, I know we didn’t do the whole ‘love’ thing right but it sure was great, wasn’t it?

Love forever and eternity,  
Lou  
(Louis William Tomlinson)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for making it this far
> 
> pls tell me what you thought of it thx xx


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